if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
