How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
