I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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