A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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