Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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