I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
