someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
