I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
