the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
