She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
