I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
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