My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
