How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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