Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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