So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
