We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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