Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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