If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm determined to sit on that face.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize