I should be sponsored by Trojan
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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