chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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