I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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