I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
as a side note pls kill me
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
