i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
do herpes really smell.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
