Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So many bounce houses so little time
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
