So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
