those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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