i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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