you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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