Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
