New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
