I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
