When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
