im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
