Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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