when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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