i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
