seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Hippo gnu deer
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
