He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
