why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize