i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
ttyl tear gas
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize