Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize