i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
