Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
