I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
