i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
