It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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