hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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