why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
