making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
