Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
