That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Randomize
