You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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