i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
