Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
