No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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