I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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