not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
