i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize