i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just gift wrapped bread.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
