dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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