chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
