Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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