While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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