i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
