Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize