someone threw a dead crab at me
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
