that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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