As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
