Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
