I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
